Is Ella Fitzgerald singing \u201cYou\u2019re the Top\u201d on the way in enough? The ride was smooth, the traffic light, and the whole prospect of the day regular. It was Wednesday in its best, most balanced sense\u2014not hump day, a thing to get over, a thing to persevere, a thing to struggle with. No, it was Wednesday in being ordinary, not too stressful, not too packed\u2014just there in the middle, with some buffer. Last week I was preparing for and dreading a Board of Trustees presentation on Wednesday. How different is this week, as I\u2019m relatively caught up, and the only FAC action for today is a union meeting\u2014but one with no presentations or arguments, just listening. So I get to go and just be, not push, not struggle, as everything just is what it is, and let\u2019s all try to come to terms with it.<\/p>\n
Ella\u2019s silky-smooth singing typified the promise of the day. The car did too. The car has been running so peacefully, still like brand new, its quiet electric motor propelling me across town, as though in other-worldly, pollution-free, effortless gliding. And then there\u2019s the Cole Porter factor. How does Indiana produce a Cole Porter? If ever there is evidence that the world is insane, and potentially delightfully so, it\u2019s in that fact\u2014that a breezy, urbane, sophisticate like Porter could spring out of Indiana.<\/p>\n
Amidst all this pleasure and easiness and mild contradictions, I find myself contemplating, yet again \u2026 the abyss. What is the meaning of it? Existence. Why? What will save us? And if we get saved, what\u2019s the point of it all? Why is there an Oba Chandler? And how can anyone be happy again, knowing that such a being is a possibility?<\/p>\n
[Side note: Maybe my students will save me. Here it is 8:37, and so many of them just walked in \u2026 late \u2026 driving me crazy \u2026 distracting me, just as I was peering into that abyss of existence. They\u2019re annoying \u2026 but they\u2019re good too. They\u2019re here. They will write. Some will write well, and some will be transformed. I have to let them find their way a bit. I have to be patient. Okay, back to the abyss.]<\/p>\n
I should be happy these days. Besides silky Ella on the smooth ride in, and the joy of Cole Porter emerging out of Indiana, I\u2019m in the best shape I\u2019ve been in in years. The new lifestyle agrees with me, and it doesn\u2019t feel all that unnatural or difficult. I should be eyeing a long steady prospect ahead: years of the new routine, years of living well, years of dodging a bullet, years of repeated pleasures, minor challenges, significant successes, accrued living progressing forward, with happy camaraderie, and a general aura of blessing.<\/p>\n
But that abyss weighs heavy. It\u2019s there to the side, or over on top, and it doesn\u2019t seem to allow a moment\u2019s peace. \u201cThe stakes are so high\u201d it seems to say over and over. The roots of existence and hope are exposed and vulnerable and rotting because of this abyss, which I summarize thus in a bullet list:<\/p>\n
I keep searching for a rhythm and routine, a purpose and procedure to rest in and exert myself in. But I think I\u2019m looking for a mode of \u201ceternity\u201d in this quest, a \u201cbeyond-the-threat-of-danger-and-loss\u201d life that won\u2019t pull the rug from me (just as I was beginning to stand up). In these days of health and comfort and stability\u2014and really, that\u2019s what I\u2019m experiencing\u2014I find myself unable to relax and settle in because that abyss seems ever ready to pounce. What is the point of this or that endeavor, when it\u2019s going to end, when you\u2019re going to be hurt, when you\u2019re going to lose something ever-so-needed for basic subsistence?<\/p>\n
My prospects are as good as they have ever been (possibly better\u2014but then, with Ang gone, can\u2019t really say that), so maybe I\u2019m just \u201cgrowing up\u201d\u2014realizing the transience of all these incredible blessings of existence. Why does it have to be so good \u2026 and so temporary? I wish I could stop dwelling on the darkness, the moment after it ends and then continues on forever on its way.<\/p>\n
The thing that helps me is Ella, my students, and so many very little connections with people\u2014family, friends, colleagues. We touch each other in trivialities, and we take one another out of our spirals, be those spirals an abyss, an obsession, a mistake, a bad habit, a distraction. We need the distractions of one another to stay properly distracted. A distracted, purposeful life (please note the irony: one must be distracted<\/em> to be purposeful<\/em>, for if you aren\u2019t distracted, the power of abyss thinking would take over your whole being)\u2014a distracted purposeful life can be highly pleasurable, rewarding, and beneficial to the common good. Is that a rock of certainty enough to build a life on? Ella?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Is Ella Fitzgerald singing \u201cYou\u2019re the Top\u201d on the way in enough? The ride was smooth, the traffic light, and the whole prospect of the day regular. It was Wednesday in its best, most balanced sense\u2014not hump day, a thing to get over, a thing to persevere, a thing to struggle with. No, it was … Continue reading September 18, 2019: Ella, the Abyss, and Distracted Purpose<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,14,16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-201","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-just-life-in-general","category-life-at-sxu","category-ssw"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonadonna.org\/sites\/wordpress\/bonadonna\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/201","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonadonna.org\/sites\/wordpress\/bonadonna\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonadonna.org\/sites\/wordpress\/bonadonna\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonadonna.org\/sites\/wordpress\/bonadonna\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonadonna.org\/sites\/wordpress\/bonadonna\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=201"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/bonadonna.org\/sites\/wordpress\/bonadonna\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/201\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":425,"href":"https:\/\/bonadonna.org\/sites\/wordpress\/bonadonna\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/201\/revisions\/425"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonadonna.org\/sites\/wordpress\/bonadonna\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=201"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonadonna.org\/sites\/wordpress\/bonadonna\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=201"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonadonna.org\/sites\/wordpress\/bonadonna\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=201"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}