Category: Word Play

Internet Humor

Death of a Senator:

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His
soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before
you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around
these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you."

"Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in
Heaven," says the senator.

"I’m sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator
and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in
the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him,
and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense
of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and
caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly
guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big
hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on
Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it’s time to visit Heaven." So
twenty-four hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the twenty-four hours have gone by and St. Peter returns."Well
then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute; then the senator answers,
"Well, I would never have said it. I mean Heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the
middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil
comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don’t understand,"
stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course
and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now
all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday
we were campaigning…Today you voted for us!"

September 22, 2004

When in doubt, quote Mark Twain:

• “Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.“
• “Always tell the truth; then you don’t have to remember anything. “
• “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.”
• “Don’t let school interfere with your education.”
• “Heaven for climate. Hell for company.”
• “Love your enemy, it will scare the hell out of them.”
• “We are always too busy for our children; we never give them the time or interest they deserve. We lavish gifts upon them; but the most precious gift, our personal association, which means so much to them, we give grudgingly.”
• “Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.”
• “The man who does not read books has no advantage over the man that can not read them.”
• “It is best to keep your mouth shut and be presumed ignorant than to open it and remove all doubt.”
• “Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”
• “It is not best that we should all think alike; it is differences of opinion that make horse races.”
• “When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.”
• “I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.”
• “If there are no cigars in Heaven, I shall not go.”
• “I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”
• “When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”
• “Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.”
• “Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. “
• “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”
• “If God had meant for us to be naked, we’d have been born that way.”
• “Golf is a good walk spoiled.”
• “A good lie will have traveled half way around the world while the truth is putting on her boots.”
• “When in doubt, tell the truth.”